simplicity and hermiticity

Actually very good advice, thanks to Jesse and Katie (this title was taken from a post under the last blog). I have not said anything for nearly 4 months on here. It's nice to take breaks and get things together....much less pressure....although, I can never really completely get rid of the stress of life. I guess without stress, there would not be any real life. Today I didn't go to work because I really didn't feel like it...more or less a mental health day for me.

I remember when I was in about 5th or 6th grade, I had this spot in the back of the playground that was covered by trees and bushes. It was about 10 feet behind the school property--probably someone else's land about which they had most likely forgotten. I would not eat lunch at school because it was, well....more or less vile. So, I would eat my lunch rather quickly and then go to that spot. It was nice, because I really didn't care much for many of the other kids, and they really could not see me. I would just sit there during the hour or so long recess and think. I can't exactly remember what I thought about. Most likely about life and about what my plan would be for later on.

I guess at that time, I wished that I had fit in better. I probably thought that I would eventually "fit in" with most of the other people, and that would make me happy. I have to say now 20 years later, yeah....I guess I more or less fit in, or blend in rather. I would say that blending in is more descriptive of what I like to do. It's more like camouflage...I just blend in so that I can pretty much go un-noticed. I think that I'm happier that way. I cannot emphasize how happy I am that I was not "popular" back in the day. Maybe I'm a little bit screwed up, but there are certainly people who have me beat.

I think that the last few months have been a reminiscent of this spot in the back of the playground. I have more or less retreated into obscurity and have not made any sudden moves. Kind of like an animal that feels threatened retreats into the woods and freezes. I have not been drinking much except for the occasional beer or wine. Have not been drunk for nearly 4 months. I think that it's more or less a good thing...at least I'm in control.

Most people probably view being in control as a good thing. I was very shy and inhibited when I was younger, and I had too much control. So, when I would drink enough to lose most of my inhibitions (i.e., control), I was more fun. Oh people would talk about how much fun I was then. How come I was never that much fun before? I don't know because I was very shy and terrified of going even remotely toward the center of attention. But sometimes, it's good to hear that you are fun, right? Fun is better than a total misfit outcast (?fuckup).

Over the years, I think that maybe I kept this up. Carrying it further than it needed to be carried. If fun is good, then more fun has got to be better. I had become more outspoken, more defiant, more reckless. Don't get me wrong, I'm still defiant, but I'm (more) in control. And I have always been able to take care of myself. I never went "past the point of no return". It was more like going to the edge of the cliff and knowing just how much to lean over before I would tumble off. Scary, thrilling, etc.

I think that most of my wild days are behind me now. Not saying that I will never have wild moments--never is a terribly long time. But, I think this way suits me at least for the time. I'm not a kid anymore, and I have to face that. I have always seen things clearly, and that has not changed. Maybe I have changed in the way that I interpret what I see. I think for now, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to be alone, though. The clarity of things may be slightly decreased for now, and maybe I don't know exactly where to go. So, I'll veer off the trail and take a break. I'll find my way....always seem to.

Sorry that I have been so quiet. I'm kind of in defensive mode, though. I found a song today on youtube that I really liked:

"I love you
and i miss you too
i really do love you
and i really miss you too

but i don't know you
and i don't need you
and i don't want you anymore"

--Cat Power
"Empty Shell"