Banana.....Like the Spider

I was walking through the park today, and I noticed that my banana spider that had been in a magnolia tree for the past few days was missing. Her web was torn. I was kind of sad, and then kind of scared, because I what thinking.....where the fuck is that spider? Is it going to end up in my hair??

At this time I would like to mention a new friend whom I met in Atlanta named Cinnamon. She and I share my love of the banana spider. I was quite glad to meet her, as I don't have many friends yet here in Atlanta. The following is an excerpt from "The Dinner Party", an episode of Seinfeld:

---Jerry and Elaine stop at a bakery to purchase a chocolate bobka while Kramer and George go to buy wine. Jerry and Elaine forget to take a number at the counter. As a result, David and Barbara Benedict, a couple on their way to the same dinner party, get ahead of them in line and purchase the last chocolate bobka. Jerry and Elaine eventually resort to purchasing a cinnamon bobka, which Elaine considers "a lesser bobka."---

ELAINE: What's this one?

CLERK: That's cinnamon Bobka.

JERRY: Another Bobka?

CLERK: There's chocolate and there's cinnamon.

JERRY: Well, we've got to get the cinnamon.

ELAINE: No, but they got the chocolate. We'll be going in with a lesser Bobka.

JERRY: I beg your pardon? Cinnamon takes a back seat to no Bobka. People love cinnamon. It should be on tables at restaurants along with salt and pepper. Anytime anyone says, "Oh This is so good. What's in it?" The answer invariably comes back, Cinnamon. Cinnamon. Again and again. Lesser Bobka - I think not.

This is my humble tribute to you, Cinnamon.

Anyhow....back to the spider. As long as I can remember, I disliked spiders. They seemed to be everywhere in the spring and summertime in southern Louisiana. My dad would always hold "daddy-long-legs", which are actually not spiders but equally horrid, and let them crawl on his arm. I, fearing that I would be considered a coward if I didn't hold the "daddy-long-legs", finally succumbed to pride. At first I thought, well....this isn't so bad. All they do is crawl around on your hand. And then--then that little motherfucker bit me. I was stunned. I was told that they "didn't bite". I watched it....waited.....that fucker bit me again, and this time I witnessed it. I killed it promptly. Ever since then, I have never trusted or held spiders.

My dad would always tell me stories about how he would build fences in the swamp when he was younger and would inevitably walk face first into banana spider webs. I would not be able to tolerate that; I would promptly have either a stroke, a seizure, or both. I don't know if he would just wipe them off or what. I'm pretty sure if it were me, the damn thing would find it's way down my shirt or my pants and start biting me in "rapid fire" mode.

For those of you who do not know what a banana spider is, I think it is either known as the aforementioned name or, more commonly, the garden spider or "silk" spider in the southern US. I will post a picture of one, don't worry.

My brother, Jesse, and I used to experiment with banana spiders. It seems that you always want to play with something that others consider "dangerous" or weird. We used to throw dragonflies into their webs just to see how fast they were. Those fuckers were fast. Also, sometimes we would stick a small twig in the web. The spider would instantaneously move to where the tip of the twig was and proceed to bite it. We could actually feel the pressure from the bite transferred down the twig.

Once we got one out of its web on a broom. Really bright idea. Jesse flung the broom in an upward fashion. We looked at the end of the broom--no banana spider. We looked at each other, looked up, and then ran as fast as we could in opposite directions, sure that the spider would land on one of us at any given moment. Our cat, Sam, finally found the spider on the sidewalk. Sam was very curious and started to play with the spider. At first, he was having big fun....la da da da. Then, all of a sudden, he flung the spider off of his paw and recoiled in what must have been utter disgust....the motherfucker had bitten him, too. RIP, Sam.

I do hate and fear banana spiders, but I also have a healthy respect for them. I would not kill one now out of sheer disgust or hatred. They really are completely harmless to people. I mean, if one got on me, that son of a bitch would be D-E-D dead in a second. But, I do like to admire their webs and their ability to make them.

I guess everything in life has it's place....even me. Although sometimes I doubt that these days. Amy and Gigi, I look forward to seeing you in September. Jesse, we simply must find some fireworks at some point this year and have fun with them.

Well everyone, since I have been feeling less than stellar in the mornings this week, I think that I shall retire. Good night everyone.