"That Shit'll Kill Ya"

I have had several people ask me what my parents did to raise me. I'm not sure if they want to know because they view me as being a young, nice person with most things together and able to make it on my own, or because they think that I'm weird and they don't want to make their children turn out like me. I would like to think it's the former, but these days, one can't really be sure about anything.

I'm not sure there is a specific "thing" that my parents did when I was growing up. I think my dad's main tactic was to try and scare us. Basically he told us that everything (that he viewed as being something that we were not supposed to do) was going to kill us, sure enough--and that if it didn't kill us, rest assured, he was going to kill us.

1. Smoking: "Boy if you smoke, I'm going to kill you. Even if I don't see you, I'll smell it on you. I used to smoke, so trust me, I would find out." I'm sure he would have found out, but, that is not why I did not smoke. I did not smoke because I thought it was disgusting (made you smell awful and turned your teeth yellow), and I had an aunt that smoked, and every time that she coughed, I was sure that she was going to drop dead on the spot--or maybe that blood was going to come from her mouth like on the movie "Grizzly" that I watched with my brother when we were not supposed to be watching it.

2. Drinking: "If you drink, you can drink too much...get alcohol poisoning....finally you drink so much, you just die!"

3. Drugs: "Cocaine--that shit'll kill ya! I knew this one guy that did cocaine--stopped his heart right then."

4. Sex (this is one of my favorites): My brother and I were pulling weeds in the garden. My dad reminded us that we had to pull the whole weed out, including the root, and not just the green part. "You ain't gonna do no half-ass job". Then we were standing by the shed, next to a fairly large banana spider. "Ok, I got somthin' to tell you boys." You could tell this was a subject with some "adult content" because he seemed kind of nervous. I never saw him nervous much. "Y'all getting to that age now where people start talking about sex." I guess I was about 12 and my brother was about 10; it was not the first time that I heard about sex, but I didn't really want to hear it just then. "Back when I was younger, you know, uh.....they had things like herpes and syphilis. I mean it was bad, but it wouldn't kill ya. They got that AIDS shit now, and that shit'll kill you--so if you have sex, wear a condom."

5. Guns: "Don't point a gun at something unless you intend to kill it." He meant this, even with toy guns. I can't remember who shot whom, but I think that I shot my brother with a dart gun (plastic/rubber darts, popular in the 80s...not sure if they still make them but probably). I tried to explain that he had just walked into the dart as it was in mid-air. Dad didn't buy it. I suffered a good yelling and a whipping. But I never pointed a gun of any kind at anyone again.

There were other things that I'm sure would have killed us. Cars in the street....strangers with candy looking for dogs and cats. We knew that they would kill us as well, so we never did any of those things. I mean, granted, I still did some pretty stupid things. I used to think he said those things because he was kind of mean-spirited. However now, as I'm (more of) an adult, I would much rather tell my kid that something would, in fact, kill him and for him to be scared than for him actually be killed by doing something stupid. Because if the latter would happen, I could and would never forgive myself. So I understand things now.

I was watching a movie today with my friends Amy, Gigi, Gail, and Erica. Yes, they are all girls, but they are not "some poor man's Go-Go's". The movie was called "Waitress". It was actually a good movie. I thought it was going to be kind of a girlie movie, and I guess some parts were, but it was more serious and kind of sad. Anyway, Andy Griffith was in there (I cannot believe that he is still alive) and he had some line like, "This life will kill you." I thought about that for a while. He didn't say that eventually everyone would die, he said that "life would kill you." And it will kill you--if you let it. I thought about it again. I really don't like my job right now. I dread going to work, in fact. I fucking hate being on call--I just can't stand it. I am pretty good at it though--partly because I don't do things half-ass. I actually told one of my attendings (essentially a professor--someone that is teaching and has already finished residency) the weed-pulling story the other day--he liked it. I didn't tell him about the sex part, though. And I fucking hate people in general--there's not a lot of good left in this world. Anyway, I'm getting away from the point (I think that there is a point). Life will fucking kill you if you let it. So don't fucking let it! I finally like who I am. I don't care if I'm weird to some people and maybe a little dorky. I have tons of good friends. I like all of my family (no, I'm not talking about the extended family). Even if you hate your family, and you don't really have any friends, and quite possibly you may even hate yourself--don't let life kill you. That's like giving up; like letting someone else take over and march all over your dead ass--fuck that shit. Someone cares about you somewhere...maybe you just don't know it yet.

Well, everyone....have a good day. Try and keep it interesting, and, if you need to, start fresh.

"If you feel like singing a song
And you want other people to sing along
Just sing what you feel
Don't let anyone say it's wrong

And if you're trying to paint a picture
But you're not sure which colors belong
Just paint what you see
Don't let anyone say it's wrong..."

--Wilco (J. Tweedy)
"What Light"