Strength, Vulnerability, and the Truth

I guess this is of a less carefree note than the first blog, but today I well--I don't feel as carefree:

1. Strength:

1. the quality or state of being strong; bodily or muscular power; vigor.
2. mental power, force, or vigor.
3. moral power, firmness, or courage.
4. power by reason of influence, authority, resources, numbers, etc.
5. number, as of personnel or ships in a force or body: a regiment with a
strength of 3000.
6. effective force, potency, or cogency, as of inducements or arguments: the
strength of his plea.
7. power of resisting force, strain, wear, etc.
8. vigor of action, language, feeling, etc.
9. the effective or essential properties characteristic of a beverage, chemical,
or the like: The alcoholic strength of brandy far exceeds that of wine.
10. a particular proportion or concentration of these properties; intensity, as of
light, color, sound, flavor, or odor: coffee of normal strength.
11. something or someone that gives one strength or is a source of power or
encouragement; sustenance: The Bible was her strength and joy.
12. power to rise or remain firm in prices: Stocks continued to show strength. The
pound declined in strength.

2. Vulnerability:

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a
vulnerable part of the body.
2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to
refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.

3. Truth:

1. the true or actual state of a matter: He tried to find out the truth.
2. conformity with fact or reality; verity: the truth of a statement.
3. a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like:
mathematical truths.
4. the state or character of being true.
5. actuality or actual existence.
6. an obvious or accepted fact; truism; platitude.
7. honesty; integrity; truthfulness.
8. (often initial capital letter) ideal or fundamental reality apart from and
transcending perceived experience: the basic truths of life.
9. agreement with a standard or original.
10. accuracy, as of position or adjustment.
11. Archaic. fidelity or constancy.


I know that there are many definitions of the above three words. A couple of days ago, I just kept going over the three words in my head. Were they opposites, or were they more of a cycle--a system of checks and balances.

Most of us have probably heard things like, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I guess most of my life, I have really devoted to being a strong person. Someone that is very self-reliant; someone that "holds their cards very close to them", as my good friend Wendy would say. I have attempted to be someone that does not show a lot of emotion.

I guess that one could consider "their cards" as the truth; i.e., "Really, deep down, just who (the fuck) are you?" No one wants people to know "the truth", though; sometimes, the truth may cause others to perceive us as being weak (not strong). I guess, in other words, the truth can make us vulnerable ("the truth hurts"), and being vulnerable is not being strong, is it?

But is something that is vulnerable necessarily weaker? Maybe so, initially. However, after someone or something is attacked, it usually becomes stronger/more skilled so that the next time, it is not wounded as badly, e.g., the immune response to antigens.

So I kept going over this in my head the other day because for some reason or other (or maybe multiple reasons), I decided against my usual instinct to take a chance (to voluntarily make myself vulnerable), and I was hurt (as Miss Thompson used to say, "you gonna get burnt"). Usually I just kind of stand in the corner; I do not like to be the center of attention. Kind of like my elementary/high school mentality--if you give someone the chance to put you down, then damn it, they'll put you down. So in the end, I guess sticking my neck out didn't make me less strong; I guess next time I'll know how to handle the situation better.

Another lesson that I learned for this--ask for help when you need it. I decided to call my friends Amy and Gigi, and then after a drive and some coffee I felt better. I decided that no, I'm not a weak person. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me--eh, well a few people do.

Ok, I have been up for near 24 hours. I have gone through a fairly tough call night. I have gone to see the dermatologist and the dentist today. I am tired. If you can make any fucking sense of what I just wrote, then you're probably smarter than I am.

I guess this can relate to one of my favorite songs, "I Am a Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel:

A winters day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Ive built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But Ive heard the words before;
Its sleeping in my memory.
I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

I guess I'm no rock. I think I'm more like silly putty.